I have often found that before a serious discussion can take place it is best to define or perhaps agree on the definition of the subject.  I use the Oxford Complete Word Finder as a reference and while there is no definition of Boundaries there is one for Boundary which is described as, “A real or notional line marking the limits of an area”. When one is describing a physical boundary the use of the word is quite simple and easily understood.  However when the discussion involves the relationship between one human and another it becomes another matter entirely. 

The way humans communicate is very complex and differs from culture to culture and even between women and men.  So much of what is understood depends on gestures, intonation, the social setting and accepted meaning of words.  What is correct and proper in one setting is not in another.  Also social standing enters into the equation.  A good example is when employees have difficulty understanding their employer’s sense of humour but the economics of the situation dictate their grudging acceptance. Those in the Social Sciences have been struggling for eons to come to some sensible way of suggesting what is correct in the relationships between humans.  This is a daunting task and leads sometimes to a dogmatic attitude and runs head on to making rules for behavior. In my role as a volunteer, I take the view that every person I meet will behave in a proper manner based on our understanding of proper behavior in our culture as we collectively understand it.  It is not my place to sit down with a person and discuss how they should behave in any given situation. Rather, I take for granted they will act as responsible human beings.  We work in a sensitive and precious environment in which people are vulnerable and easily misunderstood and hurt.

I am a great believer of the value of stories not only as entertaiment but as a way of teaching the lessons of the past and even sometimes giving us a glimpse of how we all should conduct ourselves for the common good, so here are a few stories about folks in the Walking and Social Groups that have taught me a few lessons.

One Saturday evening at the Bereavement Self Help Social Group a man appeared in the doorway of the meeting room and announced, “I have come for my new wife”!  This startling announcement was greeted with absolute silence.  I remember being taken aback at all this but also thought that something had to be done and quickly. I went over to him, introduced myself and suggested we have a quiet talk.  He turned out he was a very pleasant somewhat outspoken man.  We talked a bit about the purpose of the Group and I kidded him about his grand entrance.  He admitted that it was not the smartest thing he had ever done and hoped folks understood it was due to his offbeat sense of humour.  He joined in a card game and appeared to enjoy his visit.  Sadly that was his only visit to the Group and I suspect it was due to his embarrassment.  Interestingly enough not one person took offense at his remark.  Most shrugged it off as probably it was something he wished he hadn’t said.

The next story is quite different in that it could have had serious results for the persons involved but also to the group at large. Ivy, our official “greeter” welcomed a new member to the Saturday Night Social introduced him to the gathering and soon he was making himself at home.  Turns out he enjoyed playing bridge and by accounts was a good player.  However when players changed partners he had an annoying habit of reaching behind women and snapping their bra straps.  Hard to think of a dumber thing to do in a room containing several women quite capable of doing him serious harm.

I noticed this strange behavior just at the time several the women looked my way, mouthing, “Do something” rolled their eyes and looked heavenward!  During a pause in the bridge game I asked him about his wife and did he think that she would have enjoyed a stranger snapping her bra.  The poor man just stood there blushing like a schoolboy, looking at his feet and finally said. “Please forgive my stupid sense of humour and I think I had better leave”.  I just about agreed with him but thought better of it and suggested he sit and deal the cards seeing as it was his turn. When we were going our separate ways I had a brief visit with him. He told the story:  “We had a close circle of friends and we fun loving men sometimes thought it funny to snap our wives’ bra straps.  Why our wives let us live is a mystery to me but they did!  I enjoyed being here and I hope the women will forgive me”. Several of the women overheard us talking, just laughed and encouraged him to come again. I suspect it may have been because he was a very good bridge player.

Actually this chap turned out to be a very nice person and was with us for quite some time.  Once again it was just one of those silly things that happened.  I learned long ago that it is always best to hear the other person’s story before taking any action that may prevent a person from receiving the help and companionship they need.  It is best to talk things over quickly before there are further misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

My next little story points out how a certain behaviour can be acceptable in one situation and quite unacceptable in another situation. Many years ago at the start of a new Walking Group I had an experience that I talk about a lot.  The volunteers had given each other the Hospice Hug, the Walkers were gathered up and we set off on the walk.  Halfway across Douglas Street a woman asked me if we could hold hands.  It takes a lot to faze me so naturally I said, “Yes”. So there we were walking in Beacon Hill Park holding hands and chatting away like old friends.  My new friend mentioned that her husband was a jazz pianist whom I had heard about so we had quite a bit to talk about. She never let go of my hand. Frankly it was just one of those very nice unexpected experiences that I remember.  During the next weekly walks I noticed she took turns holding hands with different volunteers. 

There are some who caution about becoming too close to those we are trying to help.  I take the view that we, as volunteers, must be receptive to the needs of others as part of our responsibility and sensitive to their feelings. I could have said, “No” but what kind of a message would I have given to this woman?  I do not know for certain but she could have turned on her heel and left. The result could have been that she would never again trust a Hospice Program.  We humans are social animals and we need each other just like this woman who just needed some contact with another human being and I happened to be right there. 

What we need to do is focus on how our actions satisfy a need and not endless discussions of the niceties of what is proper or not. We are friends to all and we make that point by walking with different folks every week.  Actually towards the end of the Walk most Walkers have made new friends with whom they like to walk and the volunteers just watch it all happen.

The next story is so humorous and so different from what one could expect that I tell it often, especially to those who say they have seen and heard it all. The founding members of the Victoria Hospice bereavement Self Help Social Group have been together for close to twenty years.  As one might expect close friendships have developed and a sense of camaraderie has kept the members active and focused on the purpose of this Social Group. One of the women in the Social Group had worked at the Navy Dockyard here in Victoria during World War Two.  When she learned that I had been in the Navy I became a target for all the old clichés, jokes and sayings.  The one about Sailors having a Girl in every port is not true believe you me.  For one thing our wives would have killed us!

Anyhow, back to the story. This dear soul had a habit of pinching my meager bottom any time I came within range.  I got pretty good at sidestepping past her unharmed but now and then she would catch me unawares.  However there came a day when I realized that the little discomfort I was enduring was the result of the ministrations of my Navy pal.  So we had a nice quiet chat!  I had thought of offering her a glimpse of her handiwork but reason prevailed. Of course it was all in good fun but if this sort of thing happened between strangers it could have been a serious breach of, shall we say at the very least, of common sense! 

As I have said the Social Group has been meeting for close to twenty years and frankly we have seen very little inappropriate behaviour.  Folks are gentle with one another.  There is a feeling of genuine caring without questioning or advice giving.  There have been a fair number of marriages and committed relationships. The founding members of the Victoria Hospice Self Help Social Group are now few in number.  They and their fellow companions have witnessed how Bereaved people can share their experiences, give comfort when needed, listen without interruptions, rejoice at a new relationship and most all just be a friend. 

A last word.  We develop a code of behaviour from our parents, our schools, our life time friends and a healthy respect for the law of the land.  Of course we deviate sometimes from our personal “code” but essentially we all have the knowledge to behave in a reasonable manner in most circumstances.  We respect each others’ boundaries and we follow the social rules of our culture with the hope that others will follow a similar code.

The lesson given to us by these little stories is, regardless of how careful referrals to the Social Group are made, sometimes unfortunate events do occur.  They have to be dealt with promptly keeping in mind that the person responsible needs the Group just as much as anyone else.  It would be unkind to find fault with and exclude a new member because of an idle remark. In fact, if we did, we would be breaking our own code of inclusion, acceptance and understanding of others---proper behaviour for all of us who are volunteers in Hospice programs geared to meeting the needs of bereaved individuals.