After we founded the social group, I had quite a few new friends. It was a real pleasure for me to enjoy a lunch, a bridge game, or a show with them. What I enjoyed most was the company of very nice women without the fear of becoming involved in anything more than friendship.

Then one day, after skating, I went to the lounge and met Claire. One thing led to another, and we were married in 1991. I was very happy in my marriage to Collette, but quite frankly, four and a half years of bachelorhood was enough for me. After our marriage, my friends at Hospice and the social group became Claire’s friends, too.

One of the perks of a second marriage is that you have the time and the experience to iron out respective likes and dislikes in a mutually agreeable way. Claire knew about my Hospice friends, and she had the good sense to insist that I not neglect that part of my life. She had her own life to lead, and I saw no possible reason for her to change. I was able to lunch with my friends and enjoy a bridge game as usual.

Shortly after Claire and I were married, I wound up in the hospital where I had a triple bypass. Thank the good Lord, Claire and I knew of this possibility long before we got married.

One day, about two weeks after I came home from the hospital clutching a small pillow to my chest, a friend of mine came to visit. While I was pleased to see him, I wondered why he was staying so long. After a time, I have to tell you, I was looking forward to his leaving. Actually, the visit was a puzzle to me, and I began to have the eerie feeling that if there was a point to the visit he certainly was taking his time. So I clutched my pillow a little tighter and tried to remember my manners.
Then I began to get an idea. I knew his wife for many years and knew that they had a good marriage. I also knew that he was lonely, and ever since he had joined the social group it slowly became obvious that he cared for a woman who was my friend and one of the group co-founders. It occurred to me that he was in exactly the same position that I was in just before I met Claire.

I suddenly forgot about my little pillow, sat up a bit and wondered how and when he would get around to talking about this woman. It wasn’t long before he asked for our opinion about whether, or not, it was time for him to have a relationship with her. He asked for our opinion, but what he really wanted was permission.
We got the message and told him that if he wanted to have a relationship that would lead to marriage then he must be very sure that it was the relationship that he and his love wanted.

My friend sat there for a bit, and the thoughtful look on his face was slowly replaced by a little smile. Then he got up, gave Claire a hug, turned to me, and seeing the little pillow, dispensed with the hug, and went on his way.

Afterwards, I thought about all the little doubts that social group friends have expressed over the years. There is the ever-present timing of an announcement about a relationship. There is the worry that the children will not approve. There are so many little impediments that, if taken
seriously, can harm or at least diminish the joy of a new love.

Many bereaved folks seek permission to be happy, to make new friends, to look to the future without forgetting the past, and now and then, just as my friend did, to ask per- mission to love again. It is difficult to change your life when you have experienced the very worst thing that could possibly happen to you.

Claire and I are very lucky. We have chosen to remain in the Bereavement Self-Help Social Group for a number of reasons. Amongst them is the desire to let people know that we are both bereaved people and that we hope that our second marriage will serve as an example of how good life can become if you are open to love again.